Wow.. it's unbelievable that 2010 passed by like I didn;t remember anything ... seriously do you remember what you have done in the past year? The economy was really bad.. okay... people were trying really hard to look for a job or keep their job....okay.. well as for me.....

 

In 2010, I've changed jobs, moved to Hong Kong, went back to Malaysia, gone through some crazy emotional roller coaster atomic bomb psychological shit, grew a few deep wrinkles and still thinking what else I've done.. overall it was not a very good year.. Chinese horoscope is bullshit.. i thought 2009 was my "fan thai sui" year (bad luck).. 2010 was the same pfft...

 

Anyway, not trying to be all emo here but just got a phone call from my mom and she told me some pretty bad news... 3 to be exact.. so my second aunt just passed away after being diagnosed with breast cancer 4th stage.. and depression.. she didn't wanna get it cured for i don't know what reason.. I was really shocked when my mom told me that because the last time i saw her, it was... 6-10 years ago.. she looked less than 40 years old to me at that time... she died at 70... how is that possible....

 

I got really scared at that time.. time really goes by fast.. everytime i go back home.. i see my mom losing more weight.. my dad grew more grays.. i have no idea why.. i thought i only left for a year.. every year i come home but they look so different.. i feel really bad for not being there for them.. during birthdays, new years, ups and downs.. i wonder how many more times i will be able to see them for being so far apart... 

 

I guess people will say, yup this life.. move on.. people grow up, move away, do their own shit, get old, sick and die.. it's a life cycle... yea of coz i buy this philosophy shit.. but when all these are skipping by in front of you in a matter of seconds.. it makes you think.. seriously, whats the point of life? Earn money, buy nice things, earn more money, buy a nice house, nice car, what else? sigh....

 

At this point, I just want to be closer to my family, while I still can... I love you Mom and Dad.. can't wait to see you guys again :) next year or so...

 

 

Today when i was on my way home in the bus, I looked at NYC, yea it is really beautiful with the bright lights and different kinds of people walking in 5th Ave... the luxurious street decorated by top notch brands, Louis, Dior, Chanel, YSL.....but does it matter.. nope...I feel a pinch in my heart... I felt like I don't really want to be here.. it doesn't matter where I am.. it's who i'm with.. I have always lived with this motto... but now I sold myself to the expectations of society... go to school, get good grades, graduate, look for a job in a good company... what's next.. year by year when I celebrate my birthday, which is supposed to be a happy day spent with friends and family.. now it has turned into just another day that doesn't feel special at all....Back then I would be pissed if I didn't have a birthday cake or a party to celebrate my existence.. right now.. i don't think i will give a shit if i exist..

Every day on my way home, I am accompanied by local radio stations on my iPhone (thank you ooTunes).. listening to Malaysian radio with the familiar voices of the DJs makes me feel like I am back home for one second.. but after that slight faint smile.. I realize I am crossing the Queens bridge..

Listening to Hong Kong radio is even worse.. it brought back awesome memories of my stay there.. although never more than 3 weeks everytime, but my return to Hong Kong has always been a pleasurable one... the feeling of landing at HKIA, the voice of the flight attendant announcing the current weather makes me smile like an idiot on the plane... actually had to hold my tears back so I won't the emo drama queen waiting to get out the plane and yell out my joy...
Maybe it is just an illusion.. going to Hong Kong is always a vacation.. working and living there is gonna be so different.. maybe it will be my most hated place in the world when I actually have to live there long term with the lower salary but higher standard of living.. i don't know... I mean how do we know anything... we don't know shit.. nobody knows anything....

Actually, I envy friends who couldn't get a job here after graduation and had return to Malaysia... It might not be a good thing for them but for me.. it eliminates alot of headache and dilemma.. Looking at their facebook pictures back home, having fun and living the life they had before... I am happy for them.. at the same time wondering...what have i done the past month... Maybe I am thinking too much and actually nobody really gives a shit where I go and what I'll do... sigh... don't know what else to rant anymore... or should I even post this... written alot of bullshit before but in the end I deleted them.. because I am afraid to tell the truth... I am not happy ...... -end-

Ahh.. life has been smooth this week... Facebook is back, dad's getting better, got a new job in the city :P and the weather is not as harsh as last week.. I'm happy that my bro is getting used to the life in Melbourne, after all it is his college days, I advised him to give it all out and have fun. Sigh, another family member getting further away. But I am the furthest from them. Oh well, it's life.